Sunday, July 26, 2015

Don't Be a Dick

My sister recently spent a week in Texas with her boyfriend. When they stepped outside one morning, they found that someone had vandalized their car (ironically, with a positive message about equality combined with a lewd drawing). While they agreed with the statement politically, they weren't happy about the cleanup. But they did find it amusing that the vandals felt the need to label what was clearly a depiction of male genitalia. Not terribly confident in their artistic skills, apparently. Y'all come back with soap and water now, ya hear?

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Smoke if You Got Him

I don't always remember stories that I hear in the most exact detail. Sometimes all I'm left with is an overall theme that really tickled me. In the luckiest situations, I'm able to give the person relating the tale suggestions about how they could spice it up on the next go-round. This is one of those times. 

I was chatting with a friend who used to work as an usher at a large local venue, and I asked about some of the craziest things that have happened on his watch. 

He said that several years ago, one particular patron got ridiculously drunk at a concert. 

The man was escorted to the lobby, where he continued to grow increasingly belligerent, and security was called. But before they could arrive, the man got physical with one of the other ushers. 

My friend, who was outside taking a smoke break, saw this through the glass doors. 

"So I threw down my cigarette, ran across the lobby, and tackled him."

(Although it may not be true, this has always been a flying tackle in my mind, and it shall remain so, because that idea delights me).

"Then what?!" I asked. 

"I sat on him until the cops got there." 

While he isn't a large man, I certainly saw where he could be powerful. "I grew up with brothers. I'm used to that stuff."

"Oh, man!" I said. "I wish you hadn't dropped your cigarette."


"Because how badass would it have looked if you were just perched on that dude having a nonchalant smoke when the police showed up?"

I really hope that when he re-tells this story, that cigarette stays firmly clamped between his lips. For right or wrong, this is how I picture him, sailing through the air on a collision course with awesomeness. 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015


The greatest benefit of having multiple friends with multiple kids is that there's never a shortage of hilarious stories. I think what I love most is remembering these tales on behalf of the parents, who are usually too busy actually raising tiny human beings to record them for posterity.

Today's anecdote comes courtesy of a friend whose two-year-old daughter is inexplicably obsessed with Jesus. Although she's still too young for Sunday school, and the family doesn't regularly attend church, she insists on being read to from a toddler Bible and often carries rosary beads around the house. My friend also told me she frequently has to remind her little girl that every bearded man they see out in public is not their lord and savior.

So one night, my friend and her husband had another couple over for dinner. When their guests walked in the door, this kid immediately noted the man's slender build and beard, and happily exclaimed, "Hi, Jesus!"

This greeting might have taken a lesser man aback, but their friend's response was perfect. Without missing a beat, he looked down at her and said very deeply and seriously, "Yes, my child."

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Pillow Talk

One of my friends has a child who recently started losing baby teeth. My friend told him the tooth fairy would likely visit and leave him some money. 

Although his son appeared quite skeptical about this magical creature, he caught the boy placing the tooth under his pillow just before bed

His son simply looked up, shrugged, and said, "It probly ain't real, but I really want that quarter."