Friday, April 30, 2010

I've Got a Monkey on My Back and His Name is Juan Valdez

Today I saw a van stopped behind a car at an intersection. When the light turned green, the car hestitated to immediately move forward, and the driver of the van went ballistic, honking and gesturing, finally swerving around the car and speeding off like a maniac.

The car in front: "Student driver."
The writing on the van: "Espresso Machines."

Things in life are labeled, people. All you have to do, really, is read.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Escape from the Man-Eating Balcony

I would just like to say, as a follow-up to my very first posting, that I am now not the only person to ever lock myself out on my balcony. A good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, unless he chooses to comment and reveal his identity) managed to do so recently, in much the same way as I did.

However, there were three major differences in this instance:
1. There was no spider involved.
2. He was not scantily clad.
3. Unlike me, he did not need rescuing, since he somehow channeled his inner Houdini and freed himself with the help of some clever machinations and dextrous arms.

Here's the thing, though. Since I wasn't around to witness this event, he wouldn't have had to tell me about it. He could have kept his mouth shut, but he didn't. He admitted it, which I think speaks a lot to his general character, in addition to his general resourcefulness. And now we share a bond that cannot be broken by space or time. Or sliding patio door bars.

Looking back, I probably should have reacted with more empathy and appreciation for his situation when he told me. Instead, I shouted with glee (and may have even done a fist pump) at the sudden validation that I might not be quite as big a moron as previously thought. 20/20 hindsight. 

Of course, this could also mean that we're both morons, but I doubt it. With his nimble critical-thinking skills and my ability to yell for help, I firmly believe there is no problem we cannot handle together.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Use Your INSIDE Tape

Today I saw a car for sale. How did I know this? The owner had written the price and details on a sheet of paper and taped it to the outside of the back window. Consequently, it was wrinkled and battered, and the ink had begun to run.

I think I should call this person up and negotiate. If his math skills are anything like his advertising skills, I believe I could wrangle a pretty awesome deal.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I Am Not Your Boo

Wow, I have neglected this blog for nearly a month. Should I start by sending flowers, or do you think candy will melt its heart faster?  Speaking of melting hearts ....

I had one of my weirdest bus stop encounters yet this afternoon. Keep in mind that this comes on the heels of last week's fiasco, when an older gentleman asked me whether the Twins won and then watched me walk away, yelling, "You're lookin' good! I'm in love with you!" 

As I stood waiting, I was approached by a man in a hooded sweatshirt who was either slurring or just enunciating very poorly. He started the conversation like this:

HIM: "Hey, mommy."
ME: (not sure he was actually addressing me, as I am not a mommy.)
HIM: "Hey, boo."
ME: (so taken aback that I was incapable of uttering a response.)
HIM: "What's your name?"
ME: (reluctant to respond, hoping he will simply go away.)
HIM:  "Hold on, girl. Quit bein' so nervous! I ain't gonna do nothin'. I'm Mark."
ME: (finally telling him my name, because it's clear he will not simply go away.)
HIM: "You down here for the game, or what?"
ME: "Just waiting for my bus."
HIM: "You got nice dimples. (going in for the kill) How 'bout you call me later?"
ME:  "I don't think so."
HIM: "Now, just wait a minute, just think about this. You call me when you get home, tell me how your day was."
ME:  "I don't think so, sorry."

At this point, he wandered away, yet another man irresistibly and inexplicably attracted by my crazy magnet. But I was left with this thought:  If I did call him up and tell him about my day, he would probably actually listen. And, substance abuse problems aside, that would be really nice. In the same way it's nice to hear "You're lookin' good!" from inebriated strangers, but nice nonetheless.

I'm not saying I've reached the level of desperation where I would take any of these guys up on their offers.  But when it comes to the compliment? I'll take it.