Special Delivery

Replacements arrived just in time at the nursing home where my mom works.

Suck My BIC

I was recently made aware of a product called "BIC for Her," which is essentially a pack of thinner ballpoint pens in girly colors that are inexplicably marketed to those of us with ovaries. I would normally attempt to say something funny about this, but it's already been done for me ... many times over. Here are some of my favorite sarcastic reviews from the Amazon website:

FROM THE WOMEN

Finally! For years I've had to rely on pencils, or at worst, a twig and some drops of my feminine blood to write down recipes (the only thing a lady should be writing ever). I had despaired of ever being able to write down said recipes in a permanent manner, though my men-folk assured me that I "shouldn't worry yer pretty little head". But, AT LAST! Bic, the great liberator, has released a womanly pen that my gentle baby hands can use without fear of unlady-like callouses and bruises. Thank you, Bic!

I don't know why they didn't put a clearer warning on the label, they really should have because if you are a boy and use this pen you put yourself at great risk. My little brother turned into a unicorn after I lent him one, and my friend told me that a boy in her class grew fairy wings in the middle of a test.

You can imagine my joy when I found this pen, made specifically to suit the charming physical frailty and diminished mental capacity that are the hallmarks of my sex. However, the packaging is quite unclear and I can't figure out how this pen should be used. Can I grasp it in my dainty fingers, or do I actually have to hold it in my vagina?

I cain't hardly believe you'd sell this product. It ain't proper! It's a abomination! Wimmen ain't supposed to write. (My husband done wrote this fer me.)

The ink in my new Bic Lady-Pen is made of sugar and spice and everything nice, and somehow when I write, my 'i's are automatically dotted with little hearts. FINALLY a pen that gets me!!!

I was elated to find this product, but I think it should cost 24% less than Bic for Men to adjust to my delicate feminine salary. 

I will say I was a little disappointed the first time I used one. They are just a little bit...smaller than I was expecting? Not that the size of the pen matters. Seriously. BIC shouldn't feel bad.

If I can't be trusted with my own uterus, how on earth can I be trusted with a glittery pen?

If I could count that high, I'd give this product SIX stars.

These pens are the biggest unicorn assault on unicorn feminism ever!!! I accidentally came across some of these unicorn pens at a friend's place and tried to write the next section of my feminist manifesto. I realized these unicorn pens unicorn censored each time I tried to write a swear word and replaced it with 'unicorn'. Unicorn this!!!! This is the biggest unicorn assault on women ever! Unicorn unicorn unicorn!

Some days my creative juices flow heavier than others. You should therefor consider `light, medium` and 'heavy' ink flow options.

A recent study showed women using the Bic for Her pens were actually faking their writing 80% of the time. 

AND NOW, THE MEN WEIGH IN 

This make me mad How come you not make pen, too, for me, me man, me? Me man! MAN! No pen, no man pen for man! Ugh! Me can make, work pen, pen work make letter TOO. Not lady alone! You make inaccessible, neutered pen, for eunuchs and androids, and lady pen, make lady-parts pen for princess, princess, but you, why you, no make pen for UGHH YOU NO MAKE MAN PEN! MAKE ME MAD INSTEAD! WHEN DAWN OF MAN TO COME!!!

I bought these pens for my wife. I assumed they would be safe for her since they are specifically for ladies but she used these for no more than two days before she sprained her uterus.

As a guy I like this pen for 28 letters, but then it puts in a period and I can't touch it for a week.

I am so amazed that BIC is making this. The last thing we need are women writers. Pens were made for men. Hell, we're the ones with a PENis. If a woman has something to say, tell a man, if its important enough to remember, we will write it down for you. That's the way its always been, and that's the way it should stay.

I purchased a set of Bic LadyPens for one of my wives (the one who knows how to write), using my own funds. (This should not come as a surprise, as women should not be allowed to come into contact with currency; their menstrual cycles will curse it and make it lose value.) However, I found that, when given these pens, she began writing more frequently and more fervently. Soon, she was corresponding with other women (via the Postal Service, which, unbeknownst to me, now also accepts pieces of mail from women). Gradually, more and more radical ideas entered her mind. Sure, it started with her asking for simple things like a mortar and pestle (until now, my wives had ground spices with their knuckles), but before I knew it she was demanding to be shod! I blame the pens - clearly they were the catalyst for her awakening! I am currently away on business (I will be delivering an address to a large convention in Tampa this week), and I am honestly quite vexed about the state of my homestead upon returning!

HULK NEED PEN WRITE NOTE. HULK ONLY FIND BIC FOR HER. HULK SMASH PEN! HULK SAD. HULK DEMAND BIC FOR HIM.

Coach Class

A few months ago, my sister finally purchased something she'd been saving for: a Coach purse. She got a good deal on it but was dismayed when it got slightly dirtied on its first outing. When telling me this over the phone, she concluded that perhaps it was something to be used only on special occasions.

ME: "You could lock it up in a hermetically sealed vault and only bring it out once a year."

HER: "Or I could build a shrine to it."

ME:  "Maybe an altar."

HER:  "Yes! And I could offer up lesser-quality purses to it. Like Nine West."

She May Bite

Something in this horse's eye leads me to believe this State Fair sign was not posted in jest.