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Hot Tub Horror

A friend told me this story well over a year ago, and it has provided such ongoing entertainment that I've held off blogging it. Until now [insert maniacal cackle]. 

It goes like this. Some friends went on vacation because they'd purchased a time share. When they got to their destination, the wife was disappointed that the hot tub had been drained. Eager to start relaxing, she threw on her swimsuit, jumped into the tub, and turned on the jets full blast. 

All the husband heard after that was screaming. And screaming. And more screaming. 

So the game I've been playing ever since I heard this story involves asking people one simple question: What came out of the hot tub jets?

Take just a moment to register your guess. 

Go ahead, I'll wait. 

To check your answer, I've compiled a list of responses, which l share with you now. 

Most common:

Snakes

Spiders

Roaches

Rats

Mice

Worms

Southwest inspired:

Scorpions 

Lizards

Perhaps party related:

Condoms

Vodka (perhaps amazing?)

Non-animal but equally horrifying:

Poop

Blood

I think this list represents a pretty good cross-section of answers, yet not one is correct. 

When the husband burst into the room, what did he find his wife covered in? 

Maggots. 

And I'll leave you with that, just in case you feel like you're having a bad day. 

The Hits Just Keep on Coming

This post is in lieu of an open letter to young men working in service industries country-wide. Gentlemen, I would implore you to refrain from commenting on a female customer's age, unless you're smart enough to make it flattering. 

I went out for dinner a couple months ago and was being served by a very clueless waiter who admitted he was new to the job. Naturally, I decided to cut him some slack, even after the following exchange:

Me: "What's 'chicken of the woods'?"

Him: "Um, I don't know. I think it's just chicken that's been raised in the woods."

Me: "But it's listed as a vegan dish."

Him: "Um ... I'll get back to you."

First, he never did. Second, I googled it and it's a mushroom. Third, if you don't know, you don't know. But don't make something up!

That conversation aside, what bothered me was how he responded when I ordered a beer. 

Him: "I'll need to see an ID, even though it's obvious. (checks ID) And you're old enough ... surprise, surprise!"

Ex-cuse me, sir? I wanted to bash him on the snout with a rolled-up magazine. Stop it. You're not being cute. You're being a little rude. This is not the way to increase your tip. 

Just last week, another young man was helping me at the Target checkout. He commented on what I was buying, which can be a risky little game, but in this case was floor mats. When I responded nicely, this happened:

Him: "You got dimples. They make me want to ask you to dinner."

Me (in my head): Awww, that's sweet. I still got it! 

Him: "But you're a little older than me, so that's a no-go. I'm only a freshman in college."

Again, I thought about grabbing an Us Weekly out of the stand and smacking him repeatedly. No! No! Bad choice! And yes, if I'd gotten cracking back in my senior year, I could be your mother! So I'm proud of you for not getting involved in an inappropriate relationship! But I'm still a little hurt! Yes, I'd like a bag! Thank you! Stay in school!